Christian Unity in Marriage

I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all lowliness and meekness, with patience, forbearing one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of us all, who is above all and through all and in all. - NKJV

I have a really good friend who has multiple sclerosis. MS is an autoimmune disease and what that means is the body fails to recognize parts of its own self, so the immune system begins to attack the very body that it is a part of. In her case, her central nervous system appears to her own body as foreign so because of this, her body is at war with itself. Because the human body is so interconnected when her immune system attacks her central nervous system it drastically affects how her whole body can function. To try and help her live a normal life that is free of pain, doctors prescribe an immunosuppressant to help her immune system stop the attack on its own body. As I thought about my friend's problem in her body, the Holy Spirit showed me that our marriages are dealing with spiritual autoimmunity. In spiritual autoimmunity, we as wives have incorrectly identified our husbands as the enemies. We have become a house divided, and we all know that a house divided, cannot stand. We abandon our call to unity and instead choose to fight among ourselves, making our marriages disorganized, inefficient, and ineffective. But in Ephesians chapter 4 Paul is calling us to treat our autoimmune disease with the immunosuppressant of unity. 

Walking Worthy of Your Calling

I, therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called.

Ephesians 4:1

Therefore, is a conjunction and conjunctions join phrases, clauses, or sentences. The definition of conjunction is “as a result of or in consequence of that”. So, in order to understand what is being said in Ephesians chapter 4, we must go back to what was said previously.

In chapters, 1-3 Paul lays the theological framework for believers. In these chapters, we find that there is no more Jew or Gentile, no male or female, and no bond or free. Chapters 1-3 deal with doctrine and or riches in Christ, while chapters 4-6 explain our duty and responsibility in Christ. The word “therefore”, indicates that Paul is basing his call to duty on the doctrines that were taught in the first 3 chapters.  Sometimes as believers we don’t take the time to study doctrine. We think that doctrine is irrelevant because it doesn’t make a difference what we believe. Even though we now live in the dispensation of grace, doctrine is still important. It makes a difference what we believe because what we believe determines how we behave. So now that the theological framework of chapters 1-3 has been laid we now arrive at the practical requirements of chapters 4-6.  This is where we find ourselves, when we arrive at Paul’s, “therefore”.

In this 1st requirement Paul is saying, if you are a follower of Christ, you need to act like it. Requirements that govern behavior are everywhere. Our town has certain laws that state what is acceptable behavior in public and if you don’t follow them you can be arrested for disorderly conduct. Most employers have work rules that state what is allowed and not allowed in the workplace. From behaviors and dress codes to bullying and harassment. (My job’s new social media policy) So, in order to live in our towns or work at our jobs, we follow the requirements that govern behavior. But when you look at this same principle from a Christianity standpoint we seem to have a problem with that.

As Christians, we sometimes want the promises of God, but we reject the commands of God. Our salvation should be evident by our sanctification or us being “set apart” for his use. The changes that God has made on the inside are visible on the outside by how we live. He changed my heart so now I can love my husband, even on days when he behaves unlovable. He is changing my Spirit so  I think before assaulting my husband with my words or making a FB post that mocks him… Why….. because I am walking worthy of my calling.

With all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering,

bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep

the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace - Ephesians 4:2-3

The 5 Characteristics of Unity

The 1st characteristic needed to walk in unity is Lowliness – which means humility.  In ancient times this word would have been used to describe the mind of a slave. Even today when we talk about positive characteristics you seldom hear humility mentioned, because it’s not normally viewed as an asset. The opposite of lowliness and humility is pride, and Paul has already told us in Romans 12:3 to not think more highly of ourselves than we ought. Here Paul is challenging us to do something different, something that is totally counter-cultural.  He is asking us to live lives that reflect Christ.

Matthew 20:28 The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to hive his life as a ransom for many.

Paul is saying to walk worthy and in unity, we must take on the form of a servant. And for most of us, we are fine with that, until someone treats us like a servant. You say you want to be a servant, but when our husband says, “serve me” (growls). “I don’t know who he thinks I am”.  Well…. I thought you were a servant.  Humility is essential for unity b/c at the heart of all division, discord, and all relationship problems … is PRIDE

We are acting in pride when we do things to get the respect of others. Pride when we insist that others recognize what we’ve done or recognize our gifts or our accomplishments. Remember ladies, pride turned angels into devils.

The 2nd characteristic needed to walk in unity is Gentleness or meekness. Most people think of gentleness as timid or lacking courage, but hopefully, we know better. The Greek word is prautés. Prautés was a word that was used by the ancients to describe the process of taming a wild animal. When the animal was tamed it retained all its strength but now there is discipline as well.  So as wives we still have our strength but it is wrapped in our femininity and gentleness. Think of a horse and a jockey. The horse is much larger than the jockey, but it has been trained to move at the rider’s will. As wives, we still have our will and our personality, but now it is all just under the control of the Holy Spirit. And like the horse that moves at the jockey’s will, we should move at the will of our Father. So, when the Father says, “Don’t say that,” we need to hold our tongues. When He says, “Go apologize,” we need to do that.  We no longer belong to ourselves; we have been bought with a price and because of this we move when the Father says move and we do what the Father says to do. As ladies, we must respond to the correction of the Word of God. When a biblical responsibility is presented, we must follow it and have to be willing to suffer the consequences of being obedient to the Word. (Examples of consequences) When we are following God we will lose friends and family and sometimes we feel like we become a target for the enemy, but these things are a small price to pay for the resulting unity that you get in your home.

The 3rd characteristic needed to walk in unity is Longsuffering - which some refer to as patience. It literally means long tempered. I know we all pretty much have that short-tempered thing down pat, but now because we have been changed and because we are walking in unity, we have to learn to be long tempered. We have to learn how to suffer.

We live in a world where no one wants to suffer. We all know that we are to take up our cross and we know what the cross represents, but when the time comes to actually walk out our suffering, we as Christians go AWOL. For my non-military folks that means absent without official leave. We become deserters of the faith and betrayers of our calling.

James 5:10 – My brethren, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord as an example of suffering and patience

Many of the disciples died horrible deaths and even Paul, the author of a significant portion of the new testament, was beaten, shipwrecked, persecuted and imprisoned, but he STILL says he is a bondservant or slave for Christ.

The prophet Jeremiah was called, by God to a ministry where he had to preach about the judgement that was going to come, and no one believed him or responded to his message. And as if that wasn’t enough, he was hated, scorned, ridiculed and persecuted. And then there’s us. He didn’t tell us dinner was good, so we pout for the rest of the night. Or we spent some extra time getting dressed and he didn’t notice (or at least he didn’t say anything) so now we’re giving everyone the silent treatment. These are very 1st world problems compared to what happened to Jeremiah. For 52-chapters, (and 5 more chapters in Lamentations) Jeremiah continued to be faithful to what God had called him to do… why?... because He understood that in order to be a part of the body you sometimes must suffer.

The 4th characteristic is bearing with one another in love or the best translation I found was “putting up with each other in love. And there it is, the secret of relationships in Christ, the secret of how to avoid division and promote unity. This is how we are able to care about one another. This is the kind of love that covers other people’s sins in grace. The same grace that God gives to us.

Not to hide the sin or to excuse them, but to come alongside your husband

 in an agape type of love to help them walk out biblical principles and get to where they need to be.

No, we don’t pretend like there are no problems or issues. But you cover them in a way that protects them while they grow. And likewise, they cover you as you grow.

This is the kind of love that does not simply tolerate one another but reaches out to one another. If we are united, we have to make ourselves available to one another. We have to participate in each other’s joys but also bear one another’s burdens and sorrows.

Peter writes in 1 Peter 1:22 – Have sincere love for your brothers, Love one another deeply from the heart.  And in 1 Peter 2:17 – show respect to everyone. Love the brotherhood of believers. This was cussing and cutting Peter, but he can write this now because he has been changed and because he is changed, he can now put up with others in love.

The 5th characteristic is Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Endeavoring is to make every effort, to exhaust all options. Do all you can to figure out a way to pursue unity. Endeavoring also implies a sense of urgency. If we are to be united there is no room for rivalry or hatred.

Paul is calling us to focus on our commitment to one another in Christ through peace. And peace is what keeps us together.

We should be peacemakers, not peace-breakers.

You know peace-breakers, the wife who lies, cheats, kills her husband with her words. She says she will do something and then fails to keep her commitment, or she continues a vicious cycle by using the way someone mistreated her to justify their mistreatment of her husband.

We should be peacemakers and not peace-fakers.

We all know what a peace-faker is, it’s the wife that rather than addressing that a relationship is broken and not what it should be, she decides to act as if there is no problem, and when their husband tries to ask what’s the matter, what do they say….”Everything’s fine!” A peace faker thinks that if the conflict is avoided or managed in a way to avoid negative consequences then there is peace. It’s like placing a layer of plaster over a cracked wall, you cover the issue without addressing the root of the problem. The peace faker is a wife who will take peace at any price. The problem is that the peace is counterfeit and really is not worth the price being paid for it.

The only way to be a peacemaker is through a relationship with God. When we are joined to God through our faith in Jesus Christ, we are no longer enemies of God which means we no longer have to be enemies of our husbands.  A peacemaker can make peace b/c their hearts are filled with peace. And ur heart become filled with peace by being a heart of humility, a heart of gentleness, a heart of patience, and a heart committed to putting up with others in love.  A wife who is a peacemaker will risk pain to get to the bottom of the issue so that there can be a real reconciliation and true unity can exist. So, when we don’t get our way, we are called to make peace, when our husbands have hurt our feelings, we are called to make peace. When we have disagreements with our husbands, we are called to make peace.

Paul tells us in Romans 14:19 –Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another.

He is saying to make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. He goes on to say if possible, to live at peace with everyone.

So how are we able to do all of this and how is this type of unity possible.

There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism: one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. - Ephesians 4:4-6

These verses hold the final components that make unity possible.

1.       One body – the fellowship of believers. This is us, regardless of our denomination or our race we are all one body.

2.       One Spirit – the Holy Spirit who activates the fellowship. The Spirit is our inner compass that will lead us into all truth.

3.       One Hope –the glorious future given to those who know and love Jesus. That because we belong to Him, we have a right, through Him, to eternal life with Him.

4.       One Lord – Jesus to whom we all belong. The one who died a death that was meant for us so that we might be saved.

5.       One Faith – our singular commitment to Christ

6.       One baptism – the sign of entry into the church. The baptism does not save us, but it is an outward sign of an inner change.

7.       One God – who is the father who keeps us throughout all eternity.

We have different preferences, personalities, temperaments, backgrounds and different scars, but we have a common:

Paternity – which is God our Father

Maternity – which is a shared birth by the Holy Spirit

Fraternity – which is a shared belief in our Lord Jesus Christ

One year my daughter had the honor to sing with the symphony chorus. Before the concert, there was someone in charge of tuning the instruments. To do this the person blew on a pitch pipe. All the instruments then made sure that they were in tune with the note that was played on the pitch pipe. The trombones didn’t try to tune themselves with the clarinets, and the flutes didn’t tune to the trumpets. All the instruments were tuned to the pitch pipe which meant they were also in tune with one another. For there to be unity in our marriages, there must be something out there that everyone is tuned to. For Christians, our pitch pipe is the Holy Spirit. The only way to be unified is for the husband and the wife to be focused on going where the Holy Spirit is leading. We don’t have harmony because we play the same instrument, but because we are playing the same song. It is the shared goal in our marriages to glorify God that produces unity. Unity is not doing the same thing but having the same purpose. This purpose makes unity in our marriages eternal and unbreakable and makes us as husbands and wives inseparable.

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